The beginning is a good place to start. If only I knew where that was.
I find it ironic I am starting when a lot of other things are ending. School is ending, I have friends graduating high school and college, the Wednesday night program at my church is ending for the school year, and Shekinah (the ballet company I participate in and help teach) is on a break. Life is slowing down for a lot of people, which is one of the reasons why I have decided to start now.
Where do I begin? Do I begin when I was born? Do I begin when I was six months old and first got sick? Or do I start when I first developed hemoptysis, three and a half years ago? Maybe when my lung collapsed and I had to have surgery two years ago?
As I’m typing this, I hear a whisper telling me to start now. Start in the middle of this thing called life and tell my story as I go.
Right now, my life contains thoughts about my husband spending the day with my two “big little brothers” at a car show. The boys spent hours getting two cars ready for this event. There is drifting and Autocross as well, for which they were most excited. Red Betty and the oddly named “Headless Miata” will be making appearances and the boys will have a good time. Preparation for this event meant a lot of late nights, engine swaps, risky trips around the block, and we can’t forget the picture documentation to promote BAC Garage, a project Andrew has been working on.
Sometimes when I watch the boys work, I am amazed that they have the knowledge and skills to tear a car apart completely, then put it back together in a way that makes it works better than before. I feel like I’d be too scared to even attempt to drive a car I had put together for fear of something going wrong. But these guys? They are smarter than I am, I guess, because they do it over and over again and they are now able to show off their handiwork.
Maybe they don’t always look the prettiest (and I’m talking about both the project cars and the guys…Andrew often comes inside completely
covered in car grime) but they get the job done. And when the job is done, they get to have fun.
I’ve found the job is never really done, though. There are always tweaks to make and parts to replace and things to repair, yet they don’t let that stop them from enjoying the cars when they are running. They enjoy them, and then work on them again.
Hard work. Injuries. Dirt. Yet, they keep doing it because it’s important to them.
I’ve thought about this a lot and have realized I need to be more like them. I am also working on a project. I need to be willing to put in hard work, get dirty, and not worry about someone or something injuring me or my pride.
One of the things that has kept me from starting this blog sooner is fear. I know, that’s silly. How many times does it say in the Bible to not fear? Yet, I use that as an excuse to not put in the hard work. Why put in the effort when it might hurt? Yet, do the boys let the fear of something not working right keep them from trying? No.
I’ve spent so much time thinking I need to have everything perfect before displaying my work to the world when really, it’s always going to be a work in progress. The job will never be totally done. I need to be more like the guys and just jump in without fear of not being perfect. Maybe it doesn’t look the most beautiful, but it’s functional. Maybe I don’t know everything about this, but I can learn. Maybe life is only as complicated as we make it. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be usable.
Alongside the fear of not being perfect, I have some fear of pain. I’ve watched the boys forget they cut themselves and accidentally spray brake cleaner on the cuts, making it hurt worse. Does that stop them? No. Should I let pain stop me? Also no.
I’m not a big fan of pain. It doesn’t help that my body handles pain a little differently than most thanks to my adrenal insufficiency. However, I also know that sometimes a little pain means growth. When I work my muscles a little extra in ballet and am sore the next day, I know I pushed myself to become better. Does that make the pain go away? No. Does it make it worth it? Yes.
In the same way, learning to trust God and write can hurt in a similar way. However, it is helping me grow so here I am, writing while Andrew is out on the track with Jacob and Tyler. They are enjoying the benefits of hard work. I am learning to be okay with being vulnerable and stretching myself in this way so that I can enjoy the benefits of my hard work some day, too. I am not sure what those benefits will be, but God does amazing things when we step out in faith and trust him.
This is the beginning. I am starting now and stepping out in faith. I am glad to have you with me on this journey. If you are a new friend, welcome. I hope to hear from you so we can encourage each other and walk this road together.