I am the sort of person who would rather stay in the background than step out and be seen. To be seen is to be vulnerable, but in the background, I can blend in. No one would question my thoughts, my actions; there is no judgment because if you’re not thought of, if you’re not seen, how would anyone know you’re there to be judged?
I know biblically, we aren’t to judge people. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it, does it? Perhaps I fear being judged because I know how judgemental I can be, and if I am that judgemental, others must be too.
To feel the weight of what others think of us can be suffocating.
I think that is why I find it difficult to show up consistently with my writing. I’m still trying to find where I fit, and as I try, I feel more out of place. Perhaps that’s because some days I am a poet, other days I am a non-fiction writer, sometimes I write fiction, and then there are days I simply exist without knowing what I am.
I’ve written a little about the Enneagram, and in the research I’ve done, it seems the feeling of not knowing who you are is common for a type 9 like myself. If you ask me what I like to do, I might say reading and writing, but I have no clue beyond that. It’s less that I dislike things and more that I merge with what everyone else seems to like that I forget my own opinions and views. The same goes with practically everything else in life. If I find someone doesn’t like the same thing I do, rarely do I say my feelings on the subject but instead go along with whatever to “keep the peace”. Learning how to articulate what I like, what I need, and what I want has been a struggle for me, but I’m slowly learning it.
But not knowing myself makes it hard to show up for others because I also don’t want to be fake.
I’m doing my best to trust Jesus with the weight of this all and trying to focus on holding His hand as He leads me instead of taking the reigns myself. Lately, that seems to be in shorter forms of writing for public consumption and maybe longer forms for the future.
I am still here. I’m still finding my voice, and I appreciate all of you who have been along for the ride.
Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it, I’ve had an article published in a magazine! (She says casually but is actually thrilled about this.) Here’s my affiliate link for it (which means if you click on a link and make a purchase, you’re supporting me and my writing without spending anything extra. Thank you!). If you know me personally and are local (or, local enough), I will have a few for sale at a slightly discounted price. I’ve made the decision to write under my first and middle name to avoid confusion with all the many people who also hold the last name of Smith. From now on, my writing will be under the name of Katherine Nadene, so if you’re looking at the list of contributors wondering where I am, look for that name instead! Thank you all for your love and support!